Ok, so basically I'm really new to this site as a whole. I'm not really comfortable posting on forums, I don't know why, so please, if I screw something up in terms of etiquette or something, bear with me and know I don't mean to be awkward. I'm in a particularly strange frame of mind at the moment. The situation I've gotten myself into with my husband... probably soon to be ex-husband... has left me just lost for what to do/how to deal with things. He left the house about a month and a half ago. We weren't certain how we wanted to proceed regarding divorce or reconciliation, and he suggested marriage counseling while we thought things over. So I set up an appointment with a counselor and talked to her at moderate length a couple times by phone. We're scheduled for Dec. 2.
But he doesn't want to give it a go any longer. We're going to keep that first appointment for reasons that are somewhat valid but mostly pretense I created hoping for a miracle (I try not to be irrational, but find that living with any kind of hope for the future of any aspect of my life requires a less than rational approach every now and then, so sometimes I just have to go with it).
I don't really blame him for the way he's looking at things at this point. Things were never typical between us, and the separation has proved to be the same way. We weren't the at-each-other's-throats type like nearly everyone else I've ever known to go through a divorce after a short marriage (ours is coming up on two years). We didn't communicate well. I spent most of my time in some pretty serious depressions, he spent and is still spending most of his working and playing video games and feeling like I didn't care about him the way I should. I did some stupid stuff during times of decreased mental clarity and increased impulsivity (yeah, me and bipolar disorder have conspired a few times to screw up my life, the cost to myself and others be damned). Nothing terrible. Or so I thought, I guess. I kissed two other men. That's pretty much it, and while I told my husband immediately because I would want to be told if the situation were reversed, I didn't think it was a big deal. Turns out it was, he just didn't tell me. I can wonder for the rest of the year why in hell he wouldn't tell me it bothered him, but ultimately that kind of thing between us was at the heart of the problems in our marriage, so I don't think I'm likely to work it out any time real soon. He tells me he doesn't understand it either, but I know that both of us now understand one very important thing: I should have known that what I perceived as a couple little bad decisions that ultimately meant nothing should have, even in the midst of some kind of manic episode, been apparent as plainly awful, hurtful acts.
I feel like an idiot. Oddly, I'm more calm and stable and, in a way, less depressed than I have been able to manage in months. I credit Seroquel XR, to a large extent, but I also credit growing up and sort of snapping to attention with the shock of our separation.
Like I said... I don't blame him. I considered divorce myself for several weeks leading up to his departure because we were just getting farther away from each other due to my moods and isolation and simple ineptitude with relationships.
But I love him. And he loves me. And I can't stop thinking, feeling, and yes, even believing that this is the wrong decision. Talking with the woman who will be our counselor (if only for one session), I saw a sort of light at what was the tunnel of our dissatisfactory relationship. I saw that there were ways to change what needed changing while actually growing as people, and I became so optimistic.
Now... well, not so much. I understand that I'm getting what I deserve, you know? But he doesn't deserve this. While I admit to feeling better on the whole because I know that he will miss me, it also makes me sick to think that he'll have to deal with that. Lol, that sounds pretentious as hell, doesn't it? But you know when you're important to someone, and when your absence from their life will hurt them, I guess. Anyway, I know we could be what we set out to be the day we were married. I almost wish that I didn't.
I simply don't know how to do this. I will try my best, but how do I step back and let this divorce happen when I feel in my bones, in my soul, that it is the wrong way to go. He knows how I feel, and I won't disrespect him by trying to somehow force him to change his mind. Though I'm not above just a little persuasion, lol, or I wouldn't be keeping the initial counseling appointment.

I'm not writing this as a teary-eyed, heartbroken woman who is speaking out of the acute pain of the loss, even though I've definitely been that person a time or two throughout this ordeal, but as a clear-eyed and rational (-ish, lol) person who doesn't know how to let go of the man she loves and who loves her.

Ridiculous, I know. *Sigh* Thanks for reading, I know I've practically written a novel here, and I apologize for the length. I'm nothing if not long-winded. It does, however, feel somewhat better to have gotten it out and written down like that.
Any suggestions on how to deal with the circumstances or just anything will be appreciated and undoubtedly helpful.

Good wishes to all who come across this post