Hi,
Thank you to everyone that has replied. I appreciate it so much. My T does not have someone that covers during abscence and I don't think I would feel comfortable anyway. I know that most do but this is not the case.
The unstructured time also has to do with I decided to leave my job and the holidays so the panic and urge to SI is higher anyway.
I did speak with my T yesterday and found out that brother had died so will not be around.
Yes, I do depend on T too much in some ways and we have discussed this but given what I am dealing with T was not surprised and found it completely normal.
When I talked yesterday I felt like this horrible person and told her I could not tell her what was going on b/c of all that she is dealing with. T totally negated this and told me she was an adult and could handle whatever is going on.
I just am scared b/c I don't want to do anything wrong and the panic, urge to take too much meds, and SI is strong right now.

Thanks again for giving me some suggestions. I just hate being so needy and dependant!