Flashbacks hurt.

And not just emotionally.

I feel like I am being slammed back into the past. Almost an act of violence! Except for the first one...as strong and scary as it was, that one only hurt my psyche.

My first experience with a full-blown flashback occurred at my brother's grave. (The first brother that died)

I was very traumatized at age ten by the death of my father, and subsequently stuffed 99% of all my memories of him and that time away.

But I always remembered the wake and the funeral. Almost as if it were easier to remember a lifeless dad than the pain of remembering the loss of a breathing one.

My last memory of the event was at the cemetery. As we pulled in, being in the lead family car, we had to wait for what seemed an eternity, there were a lot of cars following behind us. My father was young, 42 and very active in the community.

When everyone's cars had caught up, the limo turned right to head over to the burial site… well, I checked out and flew away somewhere. I guess I couldn't deal with the fact that he was going in the ground.

Fast-forward twenty-seven years as I stood at my brother's grave. Everything was very quiet, the priest was mumbling, I felt a little dizzy so I put my head down. Suddenly, I was standing back at my father's grave while soldiers folded his flag and presented it to my mother. Sad faces, sniffles all around, I had nowhere to look but down at my shoes. Shiny shoes, theirs and mine, were all I wanted to see.

Someone touched my shoulder and I looked up to find I was back at my brother's grave.

I never even knew my dad had a military funeral.