Melbadaze,

YES, that's EXACTLY it!! Like I'm striving and reaching but i just can't grasp it. And it's so infernally frustrating! My t has always been good about going in the direction that i lead, or where i seem to want to go. But honestly, i don't really know exactly what it is i need, or where i need to go. It's like we jump from this area, to that area, and try this technique, and go hither and thither where i lead, depending on what the current concern or trigger is. But we are trying so many different pathways, and maybe none of them to the end where they lead.

At the same time, relationally, it feels like we are replaying a continuous cycle (always the same) of 1. Tenatively testing trust, 2. Feeling more connected and being willing to share more, being vulnerable, 3. Getting hurt about something my t does or doesn't do, 4. Retreating/pushing away and putting my armor back up. 5. Talking it over/resolving it. Then back to number 1 again. I'm pretty sure i am replaying trauma tapes and the trauma cycle with her, though it is not at all intentional. Somehow, despite her best intentions, circumstances end up where i feel the way i did as a child (rejected, not important, abandoned) rather than having a new experience of feeling comforted and healing. I get worried sometimes that i have a part of myself that somehow is able to set up these instances where the therapy relationship plays out with me ending up feeling victimized. But if so, none of it is at all conscious! It's disconcerting to think i may have a part of myself that is self-destructive and sabotaging like that. How do you stop doing something that you are doing unconsciously???