Missing_Mark, I am friends with my ex. We separated over 2 years ago, finished off the legalities last summer, and our divorce will be final next month. We get along very well, but we had a long, long period in which to come to terms with our marriage's end. We also had couples therapy to help us uncouple, and that was very helpful.
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Originally Posted by missing mark
My ex (strange to call him that) says he REALLY wants to be friends, that he values me as a person, likes who I am and honestly enjoys my company (he just stopped loving me after 5 years together for reasons unknown to either of us at this stage).
What I want to know is CAN you be friends with an ex who has ripped your world apart?
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I think yes, you can be friends at some point in the future. If you are still feeling that he ripped your world apart, then I think you are not ready yet to be friends. You are still hurting too much. Yes, it does get better.
Can you tell him you need time and space and that perhaps in the future, you will be able to be friends?
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I'm still all very emotional and going thro hell right now
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I think that is all the more reason to get some distance between you now.
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(it's only been a couple of weeks and we slept together last weekend - BIG mistake on my part as I'm too emotionally attached and read more into it than I should have.)
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If he wants to split up with you, why is he sleeping with you? It sounds like you are still hoping for the relationship to somehow not end, so I could see why you might be vulnerable to his overtures. But if he wants out of the relationship, why is he sleeping with you? I think it is very hurtful of him and sounds like he is taking advantage of your pain and vulnerability.
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after a discussion on a couple of days a go where I got all annoyed that he was going out with friends to dinner (Me jumping to the conclusion that he was going on a date..)
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This is another sign you are not ready to be friends yet. The two of you are single now, and dating is going to be part of your lives. Since you are not married anymore, you have no hold on him to be faithful to you. When you are more comfortable with his and your single status, it will be easier to be friends.
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my irrational side says that he can't just have stopped loving me and that the love is there somewhere and there is a key that I just can't find.. Makes no sense really. He's really tried in his heart and head to figure out what happened... sadly the love is just gone... No explainations, no reason and no answers....
He says it's not what he wanted either
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These things can really gnaw at us. I know therapy is not for everyone, but I have found therapy really helpful in dealing with issues like that--why did he stop loving me? what is the key? what sense in this is there? why did the love go away? why did we split up if he said this isn't what he wanted? These questions can go round and round in one's head. A good family or marriage therapist can help you process your feelings, grieve the loss of the relationship, and move forward. But it is very very hard to move forward if we haven't allowed ourselves to grieve, so don't rush yourself. Be kind to yourself and get some help from a counselor.
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after two months of thinking about it in his head before telling me, I don't think that it's going to change.
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Two months seems like a very, very short time to think about this major life change before taking action.
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My rational side says STOP.. it's over and time to move forward.
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The rational side needs to allow you to process and grieve. Tell rational side to chill.
If your H is willing, a couples therapist can also help the two of you process this together and uncouple. I know it sounds strange, but uncoupling therapy was soooo helpful to me and my XH. AFter being married for years, a couple becomes intertwined in so many ways. The therapist can help you untangle and pull apart emotionally.
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Main problems now is that he's living in the house we bought together (I moved out) and I just want him gone from there as feel ownership over what he does in the house....
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Is he planning to move out? Who got the house in the settlement? If you got the house, can you set a deadline for him to move out so you can move back in?
I agree it is really important to set some boundaries. When you have established firm boundaries and have finished grieving, friendship may be possible.
Good luck. I have been there not so long ago. It does get better.
