So I've been away a while... sorry about that - I've been in a lot of transition recently and I've only had energy to read the board for a while. To update - I moved across the country and I'm living in California now. Since I moved I had to terminate with my T and start with a new T here.

I'm sure some of you remember how hard the termination was for me. Well since I've moved I've been with my new T about 2, maybe 3 months. I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to trust her and feel comfortable with her. It's definitely not like it was before - she has a different approach - but that's to be expected I guess.

I'd been keeping in touch with old T - a call maybe every other week since I came out here. She's been really supportive and helpful through my transition but I knew that holding onto her was keeping me from building a relationship with my new T.

So last week I finally got up the courage to talk about old T with new T. We didn't talk much about it - it kept leading off into other conversations (it's hard to have a new T because there is so much to fill them in on!!) but I did a lot of processing after the session on my own and ultimately came to the realization that, I need to let go for a while so I can work toward that place with new T.

So I left old T a message to call me when she had some time. She called me tonight and it was such a sad, sweet conversation. I told her that this wouldn't be like most of our recent calls because I usually call her when things are not going well, but instead I wanted to tell her that I'm going to stop calling regularly because I'm actually doing alright (got a job, making friends, doing healthy behaviors) and I'm starting to trust my new T.

It was the saddest conversation. I started to cry and she told me she teared up too, I guess I caught her by surprise. It felt like termination all over again. She gave me some really lovely parting words, like to be kind to myself and to note that the worry really is a waste of my time because things will work out eventually (she gave specific examples from my life, which was enlightening) and of course, that she's always a phone call away and that it's fine if I need that.

Oh she said something that made me such a mess, she said that people come and go in our lives and we learn from them and sometimes care for them and then it's okay if it's over, but other people make imprints on our lives and change us and even if they are far away, it's never really over because the impact they had made life different. I knew she was also talking about me for her. I'm well aware of the mutual nature of our relationship but that just reminds me of how real it was. It felt like a big hug over the phone. It was so nice.

I guess I'm writing this because I'm just so sad that this journey is over for now. I need to talk about it and process it but people just don't get it. I know you guys will understand this terrible sadness that I'm feeling.

I miss her tons and tons.