Heidu, ****hugs********

I keep trying to imagine that sense of peace and calmness. I would still feel about myself the way I do, I just wouldn't have someone there to reinforce my own beliefs.

Yes, my back surgery came up. I didn't expect to be offered a job - was, and still am, hoping for disability so the physical pain can stop. Since I did get the job, then I had to leave......and Alex needed someone there that he cares about.

I have cut down extensively on my bills - what I need, and don't need. I'm trying to dig my way out of the hole that being off work for 6 months got me into, and it will take awhile. I still have to deal with Alex's tuition and some other major bills, but it should at least be manageable after a few more checks.

I can't afford child care right now - which saves me quite a bit of money. I can't tell my employer that I can only work day time hours, then it would be goodbye manager.

I want to get caught up and start trying to save. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by the first of the year that will happen. Xmas is coming along with Alex's birthday and since I am the only one as usual to buy him anything.........there it goes.

I had the injection today and they did hit the right nerve - my left leg became even more numb to the touch afterwards, but it didn't last. The leg is the same now as it was before the injection - no lessening of any pain or numbness. The nurse said that maybe in a month the second injection will make more progress..........I said hang on there - I'm not coming in here every month for this - no way.

Which means another surgery that I have to go thru within a 4 day time span or lose my job and/or pay. It seems like every door I go thru, I am blocked after awhile.

If I have another surgery, who knows what will happen. I'm still waiting on disability and will probably have to appeal again. Yes, I want to end my life and I know at some point I will try again, esp. when I get home and have to deal with him. I know that the ultimate decisions are mine and that only I can change things. I'm juggling alot at the moment, as usual.

Thanks for the input.