TayQuincey - yeh I understand your post and it makes a lot of sense. It is definately healthier to ask for what you need/want. Personally i struggle with that part though and so cutting is the unspoken expression of my needs. Cutting for me says what i can't - e.g that i'm depressed, i'm angry, i feel lonely, i don't care, i feel nothing, i can't cope etc. I don't use it to force people into loving me, supporting me, comforting me etc in a manipulative way but it is a cry for help, it is a desperate act. That is more what i meant. Personally noone knows when i self harm because it is deeply personal and private to me, but also because I am deeply ashamed that I am not able to ask for what i need in a healthy way yet - it makes me feel deficient and is completely at odds to the superwoman mask i generally like to convey to the world! I dunno, i feel that even if someone self harms in an outwardly "manipulative" way it doesn't mean their pain is any less or they should just be ignored because i still think it is sad that they can't communicate their needs in a healthy way and their pain is just as real. But i understand the DBT skills aren't about ignoring self harm but about reinforcing more positive behaviour and i definately think that is helpful! It is good for a person to want to try and find a better way to cope. I hope I have managed to explain myself better. I liked what you said about there being no shame in wanting or needing attention, I think i need to hear that more often because it is a deep seated belief of mine that i shouldn't need those things.