this could possibly be triggering, just sayin...

I had my session yesterday. I went in there really prepared because I have just been really flooded with flashbacks, memories, nightmares, body memories, etc lately. Everything in me is saying it's time to start working on my trauma. As I've been remembering more lately about one isolated incident that happened in my late teens, I wrote it out and was prepared to read from it, have T read it or maybe just give it to her when I got there or whatever.

But I have a lot of trust issues and part of that is a fear that, finally FINALLY telling my story to someone, she would not believe me. So I had to address that first. It was so hard. I dissociated twice just trying to get through this part, the part where I wanted to say "I'm afraid you won't believe me". I got as far as "I'm afraid" and just lost my words. T said "You're afraid of what, you're afraid of the emotions or you're afraid of my reaction?" and I could barely find this little tiny voice to say "both?". She said "ok" and I said "I'm not in my body" and she helped me get grounded again and then I started again to tell her what I was afraid of and AGAIN I lost it.
But then I got grounded again and finally got it out, and we had a really good conversation about that and I felt so much better about it.

So then I told her I had this thing written out, and I told her that I feel like something in me, someONE in me, is demanding her story be told. And that I've been carrying this alone for so long, too long.

Then she started asking me a few questions about this incident and we talked about it just for about 5 minutes which doesn't SOUND like a long time but it FELT like a long time! Especially since this is the first time I've ever talked about this stuff, ever. The whole time we talked I was playing with some putty in my hands and I could NOT look at T, I was just intently staring at the putty & manipulating it.

When she said we were done talking about it (not done w/the session...), that's when all the emotion hit me. I didn't cry, I have a really REALLY hard time crying in there, but I started shaking and my fists clenched up, I quit breathing, all of that. I remember hearing her say my name a few times, she sounded so far away. She was telling me to breathe & I didn't realize I wasn't until she said that. So I tried to follow my breath & I started to feel more of my body, I had huge marks on my palms later from where I dug my fingernails in so hard.

Once I was calmer she made sure to make eye contact with me and said my name and said "I BELIEVE YOU"

So, anyway, I won't bore you guys with every single detail but this was DEFINITELY a turning point for me, it was obviously difficult but I left there & got in my car & I was kind of expecting to have a breakdown in my car honestly but what I felt was...lighter. I felt lighter.

Today has been hard, the emotions and flashbacks are more intense than ever. I've already called T & she called me back before I could even get done leaving her a voice mail. She was really calming & validating on the phone, and reminded me of things I already know but just needed reminding of. And said I can call her back later or whenever I need to. I know she's really trying to support me as much as she can through this.

If you read all this, thanks, sorry it's so long! It really helps to know I'm not going through this alone.

I don't know how clear this is so please ask me questions if it doesn't make sense or if you want to know more.