I had a session with ftt today. I have so much going on, so many feelings and so much to talk about that I almost felt paralysed. I needed to talk about deeper things today, but issues with my husband were pushing at me and making me very depressed, to the point ot having sui thoughts. I have been feeling very depressed for the past couple of days and not as able as I was even a few weeks ago to pull myself up out of it. Issues around my husband and how he has been behaving toward me can do this to me.

I talked about him and read a couple of pages from my journal that I had written. It was important for ftt to know what he is like, how I experience the realtionship, how I feel and what goes on with my kids and him. We talked about this for a long time and we even went over, so the session was 1 hr 10 min. I still cannot believe she gives me extra time. She reframed some of his behavior for me, understood what his attitude is (and this took a while to explain) and we talked about where we can go from here and what I can do. What I didnt get a chance to do was delve into how this all feels to me on a deeper lever. And we didnt get to the other childhood deeper stuff, and she acknowledged that we didnt get a chance to talk about that. My next appointment is monday and she said at least its soon. That felt good, she realized we didnt get to what we needed to.

I left feeling somewhat better able to go home and work a bit on our relationship, but when I walked in, my H started a big blow up fight with me. I felt hopeless and left the house with the baby. It seemed like nothing was accomplished and all I do is waste time on him.

Although it was a necessary session to have so ftt could understand me/know me better, I am still in this dark, hopeless place. After spending all of this time working on my relationship today (without him present), it all seems as depressing as ever. I just want out of my life. How can I work so hard, spent so much time in therapy and still not want to live anymore? I try and try and nothing seems to come of it. Its as if I havent learned anything about tolerating my feelings or how to cope any better than I do. I want to give up distracting myself from feeling this way because after Im done distracting, I feel the same.

Thanks for reading.....Im sorry.....Not a good day

I wanted today's session to give me more. Maybe I expected too much. The session was too surfacey, I feel disappointed and even worse