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given that you've said your problem areas lie in assertiveness, i wonder if you ever expressed your concern to your therapist?
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I've tried, but not with much success.
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one thing that strikes me is that you are well read and can write well, that could be a possibility for you expressing yourself early in the therapeutic process. certainly it is what i used to do, many years ago .
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I've tried this with at least three therapists. The first ("therapist #3) just seemed to sit there patiently listening and smiling, but I don't recall any evidence of what I said making any difference. When I gave the second something I'd written that I wanted to go over, he just briefly glanced at it, tossed it aside, and proceeded to ignore it. I remember his interrupting me a couple of times to argue with what I hadn't said and didn't intend to say. I'm glad to say that I did not go back to him. (He also never did send me a receipt, so I couldn't get insurance reimbursement.)
The third time was with the last therapist I tried. The fact that I was over sixty gave me a little more confidence in asserting myself. I very carefully wrote out a list of "Things that are more likely to be part of the problem than part of the solution," with "better alternatives" whenever I could think of any. I told him I would like to use that as a "crutch" to give me an outline of what I wanted to talk about. He had some hesitation, saying that it wasn't what he usually did, but did agree. It was actually very helpful. I also got some assertiveness practice in (for example, once I mentioned some sexist things that friends of mine had encountered, and he said, "That's fascinating," which I though was very inappropriate -- and I told him so.) But then when I got through the list and associated commentary (which took several sessions), he started intervening more, and it was almost as if what I had said had gone in one ear and out the other. Much of what he said just didn't make sense -- it essentially said, "Don't talk about what's important to you," so the experience was overall like two steps forward and one backward, which was actually better than most of my therapy experiences.
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i've found that the "therapist as undeniable expert" attitude is more prevalent in older therapists - those who were trained about 20ish years ago. a lot has changed in training since then, particularly the idea that we know anything much about mental disorders.
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Thank you for this observation. It is a little demoralizing, but believable, since my therapist #3 was a trainer when I tried her, around 1986. It's also demoralizing since I would be most comfortable with a therapist who is my age or older. But acknowledging reality has its merits.
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my first (and thus far, only) course in psychology in which we focussed on counselling skills only gave us exposure to listening and rephrasing. 13 whole weeks of listening to a (mock) client and reflecting what they had said back to them.
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I have a hard time with the rephrasing/reflecting approach -- just too much personal attention, which I have a problem with. I generally don't find it helpful, and in fact it makes for a difficult relationship for me -- I have for a long time (way before trying therapy) considered it a difficult behavior to cope with. I need a therapist who gives me space and lets me proceed at my own pace, particularly with personal attention.