Quote:
Originally Posted by zooropa
So between my PTSD symptoms being almost out of control, worrying about having to act happy and "normal" for my kids, and feeling like I can't contact T for support, I'm just pretty miserable and freaked out right now. It's 2am and I slept for a couple of hours but the nightmares were so bad it's not worth trying anymore.  |
(((((((((((zoo))))))))))))
This is so familiar to me. The first time I really did HARD core trauma stuff with T, I felt just like you described when I left the session....lighter. I expected to feel worse, but as I drove away, the world just felt different. Like someone else KNEW, and it was okay.
We left the next day for a family vacation to the beach that I had SO been looking forward to. And just like you're describing, the good feelings from my session didn't last that long, and I ended up with a lot of flashbacks, shame, PTSD symptoms, etc. It was a weekend, and T wasn't available and I was so worried that this precious time I had been planning with my boys would be ruined.
What I did, that helped a bit, was REALLY worked on staying in the present. For me, that meant playing in the sand and the waves with my kids and really focusing on the feel of the sand and the water and the wind. It meant going on long bike rides and feeling the muscles in my legs. I journalled every day to get things OUT of my head, but tried to not give myself a lot of mental down time - I played games with my kids, read really funny books, etc.
I wonder if today, you could write down whatever you need to, to get it out of your head? I used to be scared to do that - to put things down in black and white - but I've discovered that when I put things down on paper, there is a beginning and and END. It's not a big swirly mess in my head anymore. If I don't want it around, I will tear it up or burn it, but getting it OUT helps.
And I wonder if you can really focus on being present? Smell the food cooking, play games with your kids, maybe step outside and feel the fresh air...the more I can get all of my senses involved in the present moment, the less likely I am to get lost in the swirly darkness of my past. I try to notice the sun that is shining on me right NOW.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time on a day that you were looking forward to. Know that you are doing good work, and even though it might not feel like it right now, it truly is a gift that you are giving to yourself and those around you. You deserve to heal.
Lots and lots of
to you today.