thank you all so much for your replies . i will try to address stuff in one big post because otherwise i think i will tie myself up in knots .

pdoc has had this book for a while, apparently, but has been waiting for a good time to bring it up. i was talking about how i am never sure if stuff really did happen, because not only did he have someone collude in denying the situation, but i've had subsequent therapists (old-T) also tell me they believe i'm mistaken about whether the stuff i "remember" really happened or not. but even very simple things e.g., i had a fight with dad last week which became incredibly verbally abusive, but the following day i wasn't sure if it really happened or not and if he really did say the things he did.

so that's when pdoc brought up mental manipulation and thought control. he said this book discusses the various techniques and that he recognises a lot of them having been used with me. pdoc wants me to start believing myself, and i think by presenting a different reason for why i doubt my memories (thought control instead of them not happening) then maybe i can start feeling more comfortable about the ambiguity around them. i feel a lot of guilt that i have these 'memories' when i'm not sure if they are even real - i feel like a bad person for making things up about ppl i love. so i think in that part it sounds like an ok book to read, even though i'm scared to recognise my experiences written out in black and white.

the part i'm sad/scared/angry about... . i dont harbour a lot of anger towards the ppl who did what they did - i see them as products of their own short comings and i feel sorry for them. not in a self righteous way, just in a... it's a shame that that's the only way they know how to get what they want. pdoc disagrees with me really strongly on this point - he thinks that what happened was very calculated and purposeful, almost like they were cold blooded and evil and enjoyed doing what they did because it caused me pain.

i get upset when we have this discussion, because it is the one topic in which we end up kind of arguing. usually pdoc is great and will say something like "i can see why you see it that way" and will validate that maybe i am (at least partly) right and this is his alternative interpretation. but this is the only time where i have heard him say "well, i think you are wrong".

the other thing is that it is something only he brings up - i am quite content with my own intepretation and don't really feel the need to explore what is going on there. so it makes me angry that we are having the discussion in the first place, and that pdoc keeps pushing his interpretation as the "right" one too.

the book itself is quite philosophical so probably would be an interesting read if pdoc hadn't made it so personal. i'm afraid i will read it from my own frame of reference now without being more open just on an intellectual level. it's called "mind****ing: a critique of mental manipulation" by collin mcginn.

re: the common experience we have of being taken advantage of over a number of occassions, even by complete strangers. i am not easy with laying all the responsibility on the other person, because even if they are excellent at reading & exploiting my vulnerability, then surely it means that it is something about me that encourages their behaviour. i'm in a potential situation like this right now, actually.

i enrolled in a photography course and had the first lesson last week. i don't even own a camera yet (wanted to wait & see what would suit me best) so i think you can say i'm worse than even a complete novice . i was hiring a camera from the instructor, and needed someone to show me how to turn it on. after the class finished me & this other girl were hanging around because we needed to pay and he got talking to us and was a bit... hmm. he essentially offered both of us jobs with him if we wanted to train with him for a few more months and then he offered us a lift home, even though we live about an hour in opposite directions. i get the job offer (probably just trying to get us to enrol in more courses) but it felt a bit odd especially after the lift of a ride home. but maybe he is just being nice?

i will probably go with the "being nice" interpretation. and it probably won't cause any problems at all with this guy. but i guess if i do it often enough then i'm doomed to get burnt again. but i really have no idea how to filter these things through.