My anger with God has subsided--my disappointment and my diminished faith in him (yes I drop the cap "h" these days) has not. I look for "God" in others now, for that is where I am more llikely to find the help, the comfort, the solace and understanding that I need at this time.

My partner had 4 weeks of delays in uniting with me and family for the holiday while they tried to find the optimal combination and dosages of medications to subdue his cardiac condition before clearing him medically for travel and the stresses of the holiday season. I am doing everything I can to get his motor to idle at a much lower level, to simplify each day by consicously eliminating the number of options/choices he feels he must contend with each day...today's dilema: his plan is to make stuffing, mashed potatos, rice pilaf AND sweet yams...our solution: two of the above only. (smile...on the positive side, this choice is prefereble to some of the options he has had to choose from of late in him doctors' offices.)

Having him family around has been a blessing for me; they are genuinely concerned and inquisitive about his status and give their undivided attention when I sit and fill them in. They ask the right questions. They accept that I dont have all the answers. Just to have the opportunity to open up and pour out to them (in an informative way, and not a lamentation) is such a release of pent up emotion without the unneccessary display of grief and tears. Its like I've been able to open up the bleed off valve of a tank under too much pressure...We will make it thru the week happier than we have been in a long time, for I know how thankful I am to have made it this far with him.