When I wrote this post I was so sad from my session. I kept checking for responses....Im so glad you all responded to me. It really meant a lot. I do feel better today, but with H things are the same. It is so hard for me not to see him in terms of black/white, "I hate you dont leave me," but right now Im feeling like I dont even want to talk to him, no less work on the relationship. I am tired of all of this trying, he doesnt try and answers me in a sarcastic way. Ftt said he is "processing" in his way. Sigh....He is either processing or just plain being obnoxious.

That is what makes me feel hopeless and what is the use of all of this?

Rainbow- What you said is very helpful to me. I did need something more intimate, a session where I was able to get out some feelings, process feelings (?). I think in a way, I spent the session as an adult, but I need to be young. I dont know, its just a sense I have. I needed some relief from...something.....and I didnt get it. I think I will pursue the male T thing, but I will eventually bring it up with ftt.
I am not feeling today as hopeless and dark. We are going to do Thanksgiving with a friend, so I cooked and she cooked and we will pool the food. Should be fun. I wonder what H will do? I didnt ask him yet.

FooZe- I am thinking about what you said, that I have the poorest vantage point possible, because I am in the middle of it. That is how I feel, I am having difficulty stepping back and seeing what is going on. Its like tunnel vision, I am angry at H, hurt, disappointed and very, very sad that he doesnt do his part. It would take every cell in my body to work to not believe what I am thinking and feeling from my vantage point. If I dont believe myself, then what do I do? I imagine Id just stand, staring blankly ahead, like a deer in headlights.....

Im thinking about the 2 alternatives.....hmmm....the glass half full means I am having an upset and my therapy isnt working as it should...but it can be different? I can try to make it work better next session? Is that what you mean?

Zoo- That is what is holding me right now. She is engaged, supportive and knows (and trying to understand) what I need. I have a feeling that she wanted me to go deeper, too and understood that this session was different than the sessions we have had.
Im sorry you having a hard time right now and are tired and upset. I do believe that you understand what I am talking about. That is very profound for me, I often dont connect moment to moment. Its as if this moment is forever and this painful day is forever. It doesnt click for me that this is just a day, just a bad day. It feels like forever, that there has never been a good day and there never will be again.

Tree- I was thinking at one point in the session if I should change direction. But I really needed to talk about my H and the conversation went exactly where I needed it to go, actually. Although it was surfacey, now that it has "gelled" in my head a little, I had to have this session. Its as if I was left still wanting and needed, but maybe, just maybe, taken with other sessions and the next sessions, now that ftt knows more about my life at home, it will be a vital part of the bigger picture.

I am going to say that if I need to, did you do that? Say, I need to talk about X instead? I think I can do that.

KT- You cant imagine how much your hugs help and mean to me. I was feeling so alone after I posted, for some reason. I so needed some hugs and reassurance. I know you have been there and understand. Later in the evening, my computer wouldnt pick up a wireless signal and my kids were on the other computers in the house. I wanted to hide under my pillows without being able to get online. Maybe this is an addiciton? I care so much about everyone here and need the support I get back. I am embarrassed to say that