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Originally Posted by zooropa
yeah, I didn't even know for the longest time that that was dissociating until I started reading about it here and then asked my T about it, but yeah. My mind will go blank, and I just...lose my words. I used to just get so frustrated in session when that would happen and I'd say "I don't know" all the time, and T was getting frustrated for a long time, too, I remember after our first couple of sessions she said to me once "I don't have time for 'I don't know' ".
Now I know that the reason I don't know is that my mind went blank because I'm dissociating, and she knows that too, but it was hard figuring that all out.
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How did you feel when she said I dont have time for I dont know. Dt once said to me, "what happened, what was that about?" I had no idea what I did, but I was very aware that I said or did something. Or, more likely, I stopped in the middle and said nothing. I was frozen when she said that, I said I dont know and she was pressing me for an answer. I felt like I had to come up with something fast. yuck.
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thanks, you guys, for your support, it was so great to come here and read your messages. 
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Today has been really hard, I'm just overwhelmed with memories & flashbacks & emotions and...ugh. I'm crying & having panic attacks just not in a good place at all. Wondering how I'm going to put on a happy face to spend the day with my kids tomorrow, which I have really been looking forward to. 
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Zoo...maybe when you see them, you will feel better, at least more connected and so relieved to be with them that the bad feelings might take a back seat, at least for a little while.
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So between my PTSD symptoms being almost out of control, worrying about having to act happy and "normal" for my kids, and feeling like I can't contact T for support, I'm just pretty miserable and freaked out right now. It's 2am and I slept for a couple of hours but the nightmares were so bad it's not worth trying anymore.
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(((Zoo)))) I also have some disturbed sleep. The hoidays being up so much for us, if its the best we can do to get through it, just get through. Thankfully, it is only 1 day....
Please try and be gentle with Zoo today and try to pressure yourself to be "happy"