So I went over to my now boyfriend's house to eat thanksgiving with his family. I was so scared I could hardly eat. My hands were shaking so bad I couldn't even drink out of my glass. My stomach is now cramped up so bad because of how nervous I was but it's all good. I actually had a good time considering how I felt.
I still feel very tense around him though, but that's how I am with everyone. I don't even like sitting close to him, or anyone for that matter. It's hard for me to even hug him. I feel like a horrible person because of that.

I hate having to explain myself, everyone just thinks I don't like them.

I used to be a lot better, when I was younger it was like this but I met people that actually had souls so they helped me grow out of it but it's gotten even worse now even though I have even more people around me that actually care about me. I just feel sick when I think about it. When they hug me or talk to me like I'm their closest friend I just want to shoot myself because I hate them being close to me in ANY way, physically and emotionally. sometimes I think I'M soulless............
I wish Icould find out how to help myself. I could take my meds and it goes away but it's only hiding what's really going on in my head.

Anyways, I'm going to sleep. good night.