Since you have thoughts, feelings, emotions you are not soulless. It seems you have much difficulty with intimacy, both physical and emotional, something I still struggle with. I often don't feel comfortable being close, physically or emotionally, around others. I think it's a defense mechanism due to my anxiety and low self esteem. If I don't let anyone close to me then they can't find out all my faults and just how inferior I am. I'm still working on accepting myself as I am, and on acknowledging that there is no way that I could please everyone. The better I get at accomplishing these the more willing I am to let some people in because the reward is worth the risk when the right people penetrate my armor. These cherished people let me know that I am lovable, and worthy of that love.

Is the only reason you don't take your meds because you feel they're just a crutch? If your overall well being is improved when on the meds then there is no shame in using that crutch. If you broke your leg would you refuse to use a crutch even if using one would allow you to function much easier and with less pain while you healed?