((((((((((Vicki)))))))))))

keep talking, get all that anger and icky stuff out. pour it into words and type them here, or get a journal and write them there. i know some people who like to paint and draw and color and when they are angry they use angry colors to show it. another way to get rid of the frustration and anger is to try and exercise, maybe run or do some other type of exercise you like to burn off the energy that being angry creates. i am really impressed with your strength Vicki. it takes someone very brave and very strong to hold all that anger. if you can find a private place where no one will bother you, then you could even scream or yell...sometimes when i get really angry and frustrated i yell into my pillow. sometimes that's the only way to get it out when i can't think of the words that fit.

remember that sometimes tears come out with anger and icky stuff...that's only natural and it's perfectly okay. you should be allowed to feel sad, especially sad for yourself since you've had to carry all that anger around with you all this time. crying can get rid of some of the frustration too. when you write angry words imagine that you are pouring drop after drop of anger and hate and rage into those words and let the words take it with them, the anger is safe and can't hurt anyone when it's on the page and you will have less anger inside you to hurt you. perhaps do the same with your tears, if you cry. pour your anger into each teardrop and let it fall and wash away. you will have less anger and no one will be hurt.

one other thing and then i'll hush. don't forget that anger has protected you and w_i a lot over the years. sometimes anger can be so scary once we turn to face it that we forget how much it has helped us survive. your anger gave you strength once when you weren't big enough to be strong. what you'll have to do now is try to figure out something to help you be strong that can replace the anger...until you have something to replace it, your mind will probably still feel like you need it and it won't go away. that's why i suggested exercise...maybe even learn some self-defense exercises that will help you learn how to protect yourself and will get rid of the anger-energy at the same time. i don't know if that's an option but i thought i'd throw it out there. there was a time when you had to shield yourself with your anger for protection. that time has past so you just need to find new shields, Vicki. Don't let the anger scare you...it belongs to you, you do NOT belong to it.

once you've been able to get the anger and the icky stuff out some, you can come here and read how all these people care about you and you can replace the bad stuff with good things. things like how we all care about what happens to you, you are brave, you are strong, and you can get through this. replace your anger with things you like and good things about yourself and the people you trust. keep writing Vicki, PM me if you feel like it, even if you just need a place to write those angry words.

sorry to talk so long. (((((((Vicki)))))))

-shadow