Literally.
I have mentioned that talking in therapy was nearly impossible for the first 9 months. I still struggle with it at times. I love the times when I don't and words and thoughts just flow.

But sometimes... Gee, censoring and holding back are stubborn animals! Very ingrained. I can often catch it now but I can't necessarily do anything to correct it. I am patiently waiting for this to get better. Yes, we talk about it directly and at the moment it is happening. But when I'm in the midst of it happening it can be the most difficult time to talk about it. Sometimes, though, the talking about it.. will help me see what I am avoiding, and that's good.

Last session, though! Honestly, it was as if my mouth was not working. As if my mouth was taped, my jaws wired shut. Really of course it was my brain, but still... And I even knew why. I offered the why, it wasn't hard to locate. (Which is why I could offer it. Shooting fish in a barrel). The session before I was relating some associations that I was not happy about, yet were there. She had opened her desk drawer to get a card to write my next appt time because it was a different day and time than usual (or the old usual before the financial issues made the usual not possible). So, her desk drawer was a mess, like a junk drawer. This startled me. I suppose it has to do with the idealizing, which I am trying very hard to work through, to get it out of the way because it intereferes.
Anyway, so I told her about the unorganized drawer, and the soft briefcase with folders stuck in the side pocket kind carelessly loose, which to me~ suggests they could easily fall out, that suggests lack of care, that suggests lack of attention, that suggests lack of importance.. I have had dreams that could be interpretted as my feeling T is inept. All of this was so hard to talk about but it was there, it had to be talked about.
Her face showed her feelings, which appeared to be hurt, displeasure, anger. She said "I do have the capacity to be hurt".
omg omg omg, I was sure that I'd finally blown it. She'd be showing me the door if not today then soon.

I put that out of mind for the days between sessions. (due to the holiday, I only had to go 4 days ). When that next session began I found myself with nothing to say. I had planned on talking about several things, but they had flown my coop by the time I got into the room. So I sat in the discomfort. We sat in the discomfort. It was as if I knew no words, no language. As if I was physically unable to speak. It was so frustrating! She brought up last session and in the midst of that I told her how awful it was that what I had shared was reflected in her facial expression as hurtful when that is exactly what I worried about before --and during--sharing it. And that when she said "I have the capacity to feel hurt." it felt ominous, angry. ***and I said to myself after the session and several times between the sessions, that I will never say anything like that again!!*** Which became (do not speak).
She also said that her statement about having the capacity to feel hurt was offered as an explanation (not accusation)--of the facial expresions she knew were there and that I was expreiencing. She meant it to express that she feels fully capable of dealing with feeling hurt.

This was an interesting session, in retrospect. I was not able to pull myself out of the state I was in at that moment. I had all the logical explanations of my limited ability to speak, her clarification of her experience, but could not move on. I left in a distracted state, barely hearing her asking after the session if I was off work for a long weekend and a Happy Thanksgiving wish. I'll bet my "yeah, yeah.." reply was just the warmest holiday wish she received. lol

So, now I have words again. I guess I'm showing that off now. No censoring me when my fingers are talking
Sometimes I can work through in session. Often I have to 'get away from there' to process. I want to be more in-the-moment, more real. Working on it.