I was recently DX with COPD, Chronic Obstructive Pulminary Disiese. ( I know I spelt some of that wrong)

It explains a lot of what I was dealing with for the past two years in the winters when I thought I had the "flu". My last excerbation lasted 11 days and sent me to the ER where I found out what was going on. The doc there told me I had COPD and gave me breathing treatments which made me feel so much better at the time.

However, this is really throwing me a loop as it's adding to my depression badly. My limits, my lack of energy cause I'm not getting enough oxygen, the leg cramps, and the prognosis is really throwing me for a loop. I've done massive amounts of research on the condition, and while I can take steps to slow it down, there is no cure. I know I need to quit smoking, but when I'm sitting home and I'm all alone and there is nothing else to do, I just seem to smoke more. I've developed the attitude lately, quitting will only add 2-5 years and then I will be on oxygen anyway so why prolong the inevitable??? It's going to kill me anyway.

I'm scared to death I'm going to become a burden to my daughter, She doesn't seem to understand there is no cure and it's just going to get worse. She won't discuss my advanced directives at all with me, I refuse to be put on machines. I've thought of moving to Oregon where it's legal for assisted death, but don't think I can deal with the cold. I live alone and in another state from her, and really don't want to go back to Fla as there are to many triggers for me with substance abuse there.

I just don't feel like I have a purpose any more...why am I here? Meds can help the symptoms, but I don't want to be that person carrying around an oxygen tank when I'm 55, and it's inevitable. There's no getting around it. My social life is non-exsistent anymore as I can't keep up with others, and am having to constantly rest. So I just don't bother anymore. Even walking my dog is getting to be a chore and I feel so sorry for her as I don't play with her like I used to. I feel like that commercial for depression where the doggie is just laying there looking so sad cause I won't play with her anymore..

I just don't know how to deal with all these issues alone. The support system here in New Orleans is almost zilch. But at least here on a good day I CAN go walk the Quarter and people watch. I'm waiting on disibility, and it's really keeping my life in limbo. I have landlord issues with my house holding mold and critters and she won't do anything. Hell, I don't even have a stove or heat here yet and I've been waiting on THAT for two months now. I can't move until I get disibilty, IF I get it the first time, and if I don't I could very well end up homeless at this point.

It's all just sooooo very overwhelming, and I'm so tired of being told by long distance friends.. " well think of the other person dealing with cancer, tumors, or such" I understand that...but at least THEY have a chance to fight if and put it in remission or even cure it. I don't, and they just don't get it.

Can anyone relate or offer suggestions to help me deal with a condition that will eventually kill me anyway? I really have the attitude of why bother right now and I know logically that's not good either. Where do people get the gumption to " keep on keeping on" even in the face of a terminal illness? Cause I sure can't find it.