thank you so much, tree and blue I really needed to come here & have some words of support especially for me. Thank you.

Yesterday was good, I was able to use my mindfulness skills & really just be in the moment when my kids were here so that was good. Of course it was hectic with 4 of them in my tiny apartment, so that helped actually, lots of distractions, no time to get caught up in my inner turmoil

I feel like I have been flooded, just caught under a waterfall really of intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, memories, body memories, emotions, etc, in every quiet moment awake and asleep since Tues night. I'm exhausted & scared & jumpy & panicky & just worn out.

I can't imagine how trauma work proceeds from here, do we wait until this abates and then go ahead and let it happen again? Do we just proceed with the trauma work in my next session & let me be flooded until it finally, eventually, somehow stops or I just have a complete & total breakdown?

I don't even feel like calling T anymore because what can she say? What can she do? Nothing. I'm just trying to use my DBT skills, mostly the distress tolerance skills of distract, doing a lot of knitting & listening to audiobooks which is normally very calming for me.

My mind is going more and more towards self-harm because I know from past experience that will work to stop the way I'm feeling, even if it's only temporary I'm almost to the point where I don't care & damn the consequences I just need some peace.

Also feeling like a complete & utter failure because I'm having this horrible of a time after just beginning trauma work, and we did not even get to the part of the story where the trauma happened. Same thing happened the one time before where we started talking about this, and T never brought it up again for months and months. Am I incapable of processing this? Do I have to carry it around, alone, for the rest of my life?