thank you kt and dream
I am in such a bad place right now, I can't believe ONE time of just STARTING to talk about my trauma has triggered this seemingly unending flood of flashbacks & memories & basically ********.

I feel utterly hopeless because before I really believed that I had spent a year learning the DBT skills & building my relationship with T & then we could start the trauma work. And I *knew* it would be hard, don't get me wrong. But this? This is a state incompatible with life. So it's either live the way I was before, and carry my pain all alone & never get better, or go through this which I CANNOT DO.

I guess that's the thing. I knew the trauma work would be hard but I am strong & have spent the last 6 months just getting stronger & stronger. I knew it'd be difficult & painful but I thought I could DO it. Now I know I cannot. And I can't live like this, with the memories & the pain (emotional & physical) & the flashbacks just right there on the surface all the time. Can't sleep, it's not worth even trying. Can't escape when the boogeyman is IN MY HEAD.

Nobody understands, nobody IRL, but I guess I'm writing this here because I think that if there's anybody anywhere that will understand it will be somebody here.