Quote:
Originally Posted by zooropa
I am in such a bad place right now, I can't believe ONE time of just STARTING to talk about my trauma has triggered this seemingly unending flood of flashbacks & memories & basically ********.
I feel utterly hopeless because before I really believed that I had spent a year learning the DBT skills & building my relationship with T & then we could start the trauma work. And I *knew* it would be hard, don't get me wrong. But this? This is a state incompatible with life. So it's either live the way I was before, and carry my pain all alone & never get better, or go through this which I CANNOT DO.
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((((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))
It will NOT be this bad forever. I want you to hear that SO badly that I am going to type it again: it will NOT be this bad forever.
When I first started trauma work with T, it was AWFUL. I felt like I had ruined my life...like I had allowed all of these memories to come to the surface, but like dealing with them left me flooded with flashbacks/feelings/self-loathing, etc....it felt like the biggest mistake I had ever made.
It's not like that now. I'm not even sure why. I think part of it is that I have experienced the fact that life DOES return to normal - or even a slightly better version of normal - eventually, so I don't get stuck in the fear that I will feel that bad forever. That's big. And I think part of it is that I have been working with T for so long that I feel safe enough to have my big feelings THERE with him. So instead of dissociating and then coming home and having all of the feelings to deal with, I have them there and I come home and actually feel a little better. It took a LONG time for me to get to the point where I was okay with that - and to get to the point where I didn't come home and spiral out about what T was thinking of me and my feelings.
I love that you were knitting and listening to audio books...that's what I do to do ground myself
Today, can you let yourself feel what you are feeling without judging it, or fearing that it will go on forever? Maybe for a few minutes even? It's not going to go on forever. Even if you and T need to step back and work more on mindfulness or getting grounded or whatever....it is OKAY. You don't know what you can tolerate until you try to tolerate it...and if you need more time to work on mindfulness/grounding there is nothing wrong with that. Everything is okay just the way it is. You are working really really really hard, and a lot of times it makes us feel worse before we feel better...but that doesn't mean that you won't feel better. You will.
Lots and lots and lots of hugs to you. I'm glad you are posting here