i am posting this here (away from the trigger thread) because no doubt i will forget all of this in a month & go through the whole emotional roller coaster again. maybe someone will be cleverer than i and point me in this direction again at that time .

right now i just feel very safe and nice that there is someone out there who cares about me that much and that i am 'real' to them even when i'm not there. and that it's permanent and that i will always have pdoc (even when i'm 40, he said ).