I've been talk to my T about friemdships and what I stuggle with and why he has said a fue time with a smile, "thats your OCD" or something to that effect. He so nice I dont think I have ever seen an expression a negative expression on his face eva even when I tell him I cant do things. With my last T I remeber telling him I dont feel like love my mum and that I was not even sure of what love really was I am was very and still am very confused about emotions and I dont understand how I can think I'm feeling one way and people react or make comments that seem contradict what I'm trying to express, my T has even made a comment about aspergers in relation to thoes knids of problems, but he's more thinking its my OCD. I just obsess about everything I feel like I need to understand and if I CANT understand I just cant seem to make my self do something example maths i struggled in maths only because I keep wanting to WHY about the strangest things, teacher use to get anoyed with me and tell me I was being silly, I love math I did very well in math till I got to year 11 and the need to know WHY really kick in to over drive. I could never do numbered question out of order if I was stuck on question 2 and the teacher told me to go the next queestion I could NOT do I just did not make sence to me the words did not sink in the problem/question made no sence to me i may as well have been in a different lauguage lol. My head has alway flashes the most horriable images at me not just one every now and then like a slide show of pictures so fast it was hard to see most of them, but they were there some times as intence as person standing in front off me and almost everytime making me anxious with out really knowing why..I think the reason why my mood changed so often was because of the images in my head not because of BPD, I mean the images were almost alway there and when people tryed to interact with me I was not only dealing with the real person standing next to me but I had my head flashing these images try to imagin talking to some one but there another person constantly putting picture right in front of your face, or imagin trying to concentrate on a person while you in say movie theater and your so close to the screan that you only see the screan not the edges and there person in front of you that is talking to you and behind them is a really fast slide show of picture bad, good, ok, really scary picture flashing so fast that you barly have time to really see every picture fully you just know it did not make you feel good to see it for some reason eg you saw flash of lots of blood the in anther image you caught a glimps of trees, in another images your eye caught a glims of you hitting some one. When I was child/teen this did not feel right to me but I truly thought every one had this happening to them I thought I was the only one that could not deal with it. It was not untill my medication took the images away that I realised wow there meant to be there really so no normal person has them its still feel strange to not have them but I'm sure controlliing my moods a LOT better now cause I no longer have intence images, as a child I thought I was delusional but I did not understand at the time what I grew to understand. I could always seperate my images from what was really happening in reality, I alway knew they were in my head like day dreaming, I often reacted with fear to the images but I knew that images were in head and just images but they still produced an intence reation as if it was about to happen eg if I got a flash image of a ball comeing at me I would some time put my hands up to protect my self of close my eye's, but the instant I reacted I also realised I did not need to react as it was in my head. This got really intence with cars specially after a some minor accidents, we'd be driving (I dont drive) and tence up cause I just just got intence images of different ways we could crash and different ways I could hurt if we crashed. This was really distracting to my partner who was driving to me I felt I had to sit in the back passanger seat I felt safe there and got less images there. I would NOT let anyone sit there and if they did I would looes it compleatly as kid this just seemed like a child wanting it her way but to me trying to put me in a different seat was like saying you wanted me to get hurt. I could never tell my mum thats why I reacted the way i did. It took me years to allow my self to sit in the front passanger seat, but I sure did gladly give it up to anyone who wanted it over me. In recent years I even got over my fear of the driver seat but I still get anxious. As kids I never even played in the front seat and most of my life I never let my kids anywhere near the drivers seat in my head it fealt I was protecting my kids but I way really just letting the images have control over me. Just yesterday I snapped several times at my 5y son for getting the front seat and touching the stearing wheel, logicly I know there little he can do if i dont let him start the car and the park brack is one ect, but it still produce's an instant emotional reaction when i see just one negative image in my head. I have to tell my self he's having fun I can protect him in plenty of other ways, but it takes a lot of self control to allow him to pretend to be the driver and I can normall onlu let him do it for short intervals or my anxiety gets the better of me and I can allow my self to take my feeling out on my kids so I distract him with some thing different to do that does not provoke as many images......I use to beleaive that the images (specially the ones with strong feeling) were a safty thing letting me know I was putting my kids in danger but deap down I knew that was not true couse I ignore many of them from time to time and nothing bad happened to my kids. I had more trouble beleaiveing that images of me hurting my kids were not a warning they went against everything I beleaive in as a parent but I just could not trust my self NOT to make it happen, I could not convince my self I really was not sort of mum even thoe I had never done anything remotly like my head was showing me. I managed to hid this from my partner for over 10y I did not tell him I had this going on inside my head NO ONE knew my mum still does not know she wont let me tell her she changes the subject. When I try to explain my OCD to people thay either say or act in a way that makes think thay think I'm crazy, insane, need a padded cell. People think OCD is this very visable, noticable, disorder but from the out side I am just stubborn and moody on the inside I was screaming for my head to give me a brack leave me alone for while.

I think I stuggle more now that I know its OCD, but while getting better seem scary and hard for ME it sure seems to have had a dramatic impact my abilty to not make people think I'm insane or hyper, stubborn, and plenty of other issues have improved as well. In general people seem to be more relaxed around ME but I still dont feel relaxed around people, and as soon as I have OCD epsiode people start to look at me funny but I'm more capable of saying sorry its my OCD some times a take a 1/4 of sedative and that give me just enough control to fight threw the episode it calms my thinking it brack the solid wall that making things hard for me.