Because of the deep work thats been happening in T the past 2 or 3 weeks, I feel myself missing T a lot between sessions. Yes I always miss her, but I think when big "shifts" begin to happen the need for her becomes very regressive.

I was just wondering about it, trying to ease it, work it out, get rid of it. The feeling began to build in my shoulders and then I wondered, its that feeling that I try to avoid, but what is that feeling? Its scary, unyet the feeling it, wanting to be rid of it happens so fast that I dont get time to be with it.

I begun to think what would this be like if there were no words for it, no language. I know I often speak in T of feeling like I've been dropped on another planet where no one else exists, where no language exists, I think for me this is what it must have felt like at birth. Once taken away from my mother, the feeling of something not being there but not being able to think about it, put words to it, express it is what remains within me. I must have cried until I realised that was futile, accept I wouldnt even have had languge for that, it would have been like that feeling I had today, that crept up into my shoulders and sets my stomach on edge.

Thinking about all of this I realised what a luxury it is to miss T and be able to think about her absence and have words for it. I thought it had to be that T had to never be absent and I never feel the saddness of her absence. Today I think I see how natural missing someone , and thinking about them is compared to loss and no language to put words to that loss nor cognitive ablity to work through that loss.

T doesn't seem to impossiblt absent now, not now that I have language and congitive abilty!! Something a baby doesnt have the luxury of having.