(((((Zooropa))))) I hope my reply to you doesnt sound too much all over the place. Im sorry. I am sort of dealing with the same thing, but have not yet opened the pandora's box. I am still afraid to.

I know that feeling that nobody in RL would understand what you are going through. But you ARE doing it, you are going through your day. And it could actually be a blessing that your kids arent around all the time while you do this healing.

When I read this, I just want to give you a big hug. These are the reasons I am afraid to go there. I am afraid of not being able to function, of needing waaay too much support and help, of feeling so alone and frightened. I get all kinds of fears and have to use so much energy not to think about them.

Ftt has said to me that she wants me to go verrrry slowly. She used the term Pandora's Box and she wants me to be able to function in my daily life. I am afraid I wont be able to, but I feel that I need to go there and do what you are doing so bravely. I am afraid I will be telling myself that it was the biggest mistake ever. But like Tree said, the pain doesnt last forever, that it IS the way out. We have to go through this to get to the other side. And that there is another side. Zoo, you can do it, we both can. There is peace on the other side. At this point, I am only talking about the shame I feel. Some details, but I cant go into detail because of the way it makes me feel about myself. Like what you describe.

You have a nice ability to ground yourself. What audio books do you listen to? I really need to work on grounding. What seems to work for me (and not everything does) is to look around the room and focus on the things around me. Does that sound strange? I can "leave" and feel very much not present, but if I focus on what is in the room, what is on the road as I am driving and visual things, I become more present. For some reason, I cannot focus on anything I hear, anything auditory. Its as if I dont speak or understand English. I cannot focus and understand spoken words. Does anything like that happen to you? In session, if I am in an "underwater" dissociating state, I have difficulty focuing on what ftt is saying.

Hugs, hugs, hugs