sorry I didn't answer this earlier, blue. This was pretty early on in my relationship with T so I was kind of taken aback when she said that, I felt like I had done something wrong. It wasn't until later that I figured out I was dissociating at those times, that my mind going blank was part of that, so I really didn't know. I'm still not really sure T realizes that, actually.

blue, thank you so much. I really do feel like we are going through a lot of the same things, and while I'm sorry you are suffering too it's good to know I'm not alone & that there other people who understand.

When you said I AM doing it, that was really validating, it reminded me of what T said the last time we talked on the phone on Wed and also at my last session. That getting through this is just walking through it, when I feel like "I don't know how to do this!" or "I can't do this"(which I do, a lot) I can tell myself "I AM doing it, right now, in this moment, this is how to do it"

I have so much shame. I feel like a failure & am ashamed of feeling so needy & scared & alone. I desperately want to reach out to T & I know she would be there for me but I am ashamed of needing her so much. I feel like I should be able to get through this on my own, or that after working with her for a year I should know enough to not need to call her. But I'm scared and running out of resources to keep fighting this.

I have been listening to The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson. It's the 3rd in the trilogy that started with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, if you've heard of that. It's sad, though, only because it's the last one and Larsson is dead so there will be no more books from him. That alone is enough to make me extra sad today, when I'm feeling like this.

Other than feeling sad about that, though, I've been enjoying listening to it and have knitted so much these last few days, I'm sure my hands will be sore, but it's ok. It's kept my mind somewhat focused & kept my hands BUSY which is the goal. I've found for me that keeping my hands busy, doing anything tactile, really helps keep me grounded. I carry silly putty in my purse for that reason, have a stress ball in the car, have silly putty & play dough & glitter lava & koosh balls & stuff like that all over my apartment. Knitting is obviously a great thing, too, because it not only keeps my hands busy but I get something out of all that nervous energy in the end

thank you, chaotic. I'm going to try to remember that and tell myself "I'm ok" the next time I feel overwhelmed.