skeksi, thank you, I was ignoring the stark basic fact of the shame of what happened to me, the 1st layer of shame I guess. Then all the other layers of shame just add up on top of that. I pretty much know I need T to help me through this and I am so ashamed of that. I want to reach out to her but am afraid and ashamed. I feel like it makes me look weak, and I also feel like reacting like this to starting trauma work is also showing my weakness.
I guess I'm obviously feeling a lot of shame & fear & I just want to crawl in my shell and never come out.
Part of me wants to quit therapy & try to bottle all this back up and part of me knows that's no way to live, that I in fact cannot live that way. But I certainly can't live this way, either, and so I feel trapped & that makes me feel panic & desperation.
So many emotions, in just one little head, spinning around and around and around until it all just spins me into the ground.