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Originally Posted by zooropa
sorry I didn't answer this earlier, blue. This was pretty early on in my relationship with T so I was kind of taken aback when she said that, I felt like I had done something wrong. It wasn't until later that I figured out I was dissociating at those times, that my mind going blank was part of that, so I really didn't know. I'm still not really sure T realizes that, actually.
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I cannot believe someone in this world experienced this with their T as I did. I remember I was trying to think fast, I had no idea what happened and I was ashamed that I didnt have an answer for her when she asked me what happened. I made something up! I still dont understand those blank spaces and my kids have all over the years said things to me about it, but now I feel mmore aware and know I just had a little "gap" or something.
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blue, thank you so much. I really do feel like we are going through a lot of the same things, and while I'm sorry you are suffering too it's good to know I'm not alone & that there other people who understand.
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I think so, too. I feel exaclty as you do, but I am afraid of not being able to get out of it.
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That getting through this is just walking through it, when I feel like "I don't know how to do this!" or "I can't do this"(which I do, a lot) I can tell myself "I AM doing it, right now, in this moment, this is how to do it"
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I guess that is what it is. You are still alive, still posting and maybe you have moments when you feel even ever so slightly better.
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I have so much shame. I feel like a failure & am ashamed of feeling so needy & scared & alone. I desperately want to reach out to T & I know she would be there for me but I am ashamed of needing her so much. I feel like I should be able to get through this on my own, or that after working with her for a year I should know enough to not need to call her. But I'm scared and running out of resources to keep fighting this. 
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(((((Zoo)))) This is what keeps me afraid of going deeper, keeps me avoiding anything painful. I am so afraid of becoming overwhelmed, needy and all alone with that.
I havent heard of the books you are listening to. Maybe you should try something with a more upbeat storyline?
I know this might sound really off, but what about something funny? I dont know if you are this way, but if something is really funny, it can distract me pretty well. Unless Im too far gone depressed.....
Another question, I know Tree knits, too. What do you think aobut when you knit? I would like to try it, but Im afraid my mind would wander off into ???? I dont know....la la land......
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I carry silly putty in my purse for that reason, have a stress ball in the car, have silly putty & play dough & glitter lava & koosh balls & stuff like that all over my apartment. Knitting is obviously a great thing, too, because it not only keeps my hands busy but I get something out of all that nervous energy in the end 
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This is something I am going to try. Uh, where can I get a goosh ball???
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Originally Posted by Chaotic
For me things came and still sometimes come in waves. One minute it felt like I was drowning and would never survive. Then as some point my body would crash and the memories and flashbacks would just stop and I would realize..."hey I've got a pulse, still breathing, I'm OK." You've taken a leap of faith and are now on the roller coaster ride. As treehouse stated... things get better. Its not a linear progression for sure but things will get better.
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This is one of the most helpful things I have ever learned in therapy. I am so glad you said it here, Chaotic. That there are moments when I feel like I am really drowning, and moments when I am going about my daily business and feel like I can do this. Im OK today.
I had a T yrs ago who said this a lot. That relationships ebb and flow, that our feelings/closness toward our partner may come and go in waves, and how we deal with our pain also comes and goes in waves. I remember he moved his hand up and down in this wave-like motion. It is a very calming thing for me to tell myself. That I dont have to panic, that even if Im not dealing with my feelings all the time the way I want to, I will feel better at some point. That my relationship with my H doesnt have to be close and intimate all the time, we have periods of where we are closer and periods where we may seem to be less close. That doesnt mean that the love and support arent there. Its like a wave. He taught me its all good, its all OK and part of who we are.