Quote:
Originally Posted by zooropa
 thank you, Christina. That really means a lot to me. It helps to not feel so alone. I'm trying to remember what T said, I know we talked at the end of the session about what I should do if I started feeling worse. She even specifically addressed what I should think/tell myself if I had urges to self harm, but I can't remember anything now, my brain is just blank 
I can't even remember what she said when I called her on the phone last, which I think was the day after my session or something? I don't know, it's all a blur of nightmares & flashbacks & horror.  |
I go blank too... There is a pinned thread in Self Injury with things you can do instead of self injuring. Perhaps that would be a good start?
I try to say things like "it's not my fault" and "I'm okay now" and "I'm good and not bad" and that I've got to remember that what's going through my head sometimes isn't actually what's really happening IRL - it's all in my head. Reliving bad stuff from the past sorely sucks though.
You will get through this.
Losing track of time is pretty normal sometimes I think - like I swear I don't remember what I do for a week or so for no apparent reason. My brain just shuts off - calls in sick, takes a vacation... you get the idea.
You will be okay. Hold onto the fact that your T cares enough about you to help you through this. We all care enough about you to be here to support you through this. You will get through it - it'll just pretty much suck in the meantime. But I know you're a strong person, 'cause it takes a LOT of courage and gumption to talk about abuse stuff. I still freak out reciting it to MYSELF and I KNOW what happened to me - it's not like I'm a stranger to myself (well, some days I feel like I'm a stranger in my body, but that's something else altogether).
PM me anytime, okay? Don't hurt yourself, you deserve better than that. You got through the abuse, you survived. You are a SURVIVOR even if you feel like absolute crap right now - you survived the abuse, and survived talking about it, and you will survive and get through dealing with the emotional fallout of talking about it. It's not easy, but we're here.
Edit, had to comment on this
Quote:
Originally Posted by zooropa
skeksi, thank you, I was ignoring the stark basic fact of the shame of what happened to me, the 1st layer of shame I guess. Then all the other layers of shame just add up on top of that. I pretty much know I need T to help me through this and I am so ashamed of that. I want to reach out to her but am afraid and ashamed. I feel like it makes me look weak, and I also feel like reacting like this to starting trauma work is also showing my weakness.
I guess I'm obviously feeling a lot of shame & fear & I just want to crawl in my shell and never come out.
Part of me wants to quit therapy & try to bottle all this back up and part of me knows that's no way to live, that I in fact cannot live that way. But I certainly can't live this way, either, and so I feel trapped & that makes me feel panic & desperation.
So many emotions, in just one little head, spinning around and around and around until it all just spins me into the ground. |
You know, it's funny. My therapist and I basically determined that my primary emotion is FEAR. I'm always afraid, and I'm afraid when I'm ashamed and I'm ashamed that I'm afraid!
You do not look weak, and you are not weak. You may feel weak, but you are not.
If you ever find a way to quit therapy and bottle up all the stuff you've taken out until this point - care to share that solution with me? I feel like that a lot - that it would be less painful, more easy, less complicated and less overall BAD if I would just pack it up, and quit therapy. I guess I've been in therapy for four years now and it's starting to bug me.
You feel emotions, that's a scary thing. Some days I'd give anything to not feel anything anymore... I used to emotionally bottle, to the craziest degree. Heck, I still have days where I swear I don't experience sadness or anger.
(We all know it's a lie, but it's a lie I'd like to believe some days)
A video I want to share with you - go to YouTube and search for it "World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies. It's a good song and I identify a lot with it, maybe you will too??