oh, i've been reluctant to reply to this thread (i've been thinking so much on all of your replies) so first up i'm sorry for not replying earlier, and secondly thank you all so much for giving great input
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i am going to split posts a bit. the photography instructor thingy i'll deal with in the second post because there's been developments on that front and i could do with some practical advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pachyderm
Couldn't it be both? They "enjoyed" what they were doing, AND they did it because they needed to do it? They needed to revenge themselves on someone, and you were in the way?
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yes, i guess you could be right, pachy. this comment has been sitting with me since you posted it, and i know i have a lot of resistance to accepting that they enjoyed it but i think what you said is approaching the truth. i still don't know if "enjoy" is the word i would use... more like, releasing negative feelings instead? so it feels good because you are getting rid of that bad energy (or displacing it, whatever) but it's not like... enjoyable in the way eating chocolate is enjoyable and you would want to do it regardless of whether you are happy or sad?
Quote:
Originally Posted by bloom3
sweet deli, you seem to be very invested in seeing your abuser as good while you see yourself as bad. have you thought about what you gain by seeing things this way?
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pdoc says this is part of the mental manipulation - that i'm the "bad" person in everything. it's not just to do with the other party being good (although, yes, i'm invested in that - quite heavily), but i feel this about myself with everything. i'm a bad person, therefore i don't deserve pdoc's time. i don't deserve to get good marks at uni, because (given that i'm a bad person) i must have somehow manipulated people into giving me good marks, not actually earnt them of my own accord. i touched pdoc's jacket sleeve once & i'm a doubly bad person for not only doing it in the first place, but also because i didn't offer to dry clean it afterwards so he could wear it again without it being 'infected' by me. and so on...
my one big fear is that people will find out how bad i am and subsequently hurt me because of it. but then at the same time i think that if i am a bad person then i don't deserve anything better anyway, so i'm just making myself worse by trying to avoid my due.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ktgirl
I think I can understand how scary this is to you. It is very sad and scary and disappointing for me to think what he did was so calculated.
I have ambivalent feelings about your pdoc being so adamant on this point with you. On one hand I am glad that he is trying to help you see something that might be more real than your current perceptions. On the other hand it feels like he is trying to make you feel/think a certain way that you simply may not be ready for.
I think it is good, though, that you are talking about it here and getting other people's ideas and thoughts. I think the more you talk about this and process it, the clearer it may become for you.  |
it means a lot to me that you would share your experiences, ktgirl. yes, it is scary to think that it was something calculated. i keep trying to avoid that interpretation. but even without it... it just doesn't seem to ring true? is that me being in denial, or is it an accurate perception of what really happened? how can i tell the difference?
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaotic13
Maybe there is "something" about you that attracts these perps. It DOESN'T mean it's your fault they target you!
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but what if i encouraged it? what if i was the one who initiated it? that skinny kid you described - wouldn't you think he was partly responsible if he kept going up to the bullies and throwing stones? maybe he gets something out of being hurt and so kept encouraging it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by velcro003
this sticks out to me too, deli. you are so protective of your abusers...yet THEY are the ones who hurt you. there is NO good excuse for that. there may be reasons why they do the things they do, but it is not on you to "make" it all better.
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but that's the thing, right? no one else is doing the healing for me, so it really is up to me to make it better.
i don't know... nothing really 'fits' when i type it out like this. and i hate inconsistency!
i will post about the photography tutor thingy tomorrow. this is all a bit much to process right now.
