Colluding with the last few posters to help hijack this thread in the direction it seems to be going:
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Originally Posted by BlueMoon6
I think it was just his way to process silently, while all I did was cry.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ktgirl
When we finally got to the bottom of it, he interpreted my complaining as a prelude to action (because he is a man and is action-oriented) - meaning, he thought I was about to quit my job (which would hurt us financially of course). But my intent was to vent a little and get some empathy from him. I have no intention of quitting! He felt he had to do something to solve the problem, and I was just trying to connect on a mutual level of struggle.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueMoon6
My husband is the same way, if I complain or talk about a difficulty with something, his reaction is to do something about it or he assumes I am doing something about it- like you with the job conversation. He doesnt understand why I would need to vent, he has even said, well, if there isnt anything you caqn do about it, why are you talking about it! When I tell him that I just need to talk about it and get out my feelings, he seems puzzled and says, Oh, OK. LOL!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah
Yes, men overall want to minimize their problems or fix them right away. Women just need to vent. I read this book by Deborah Tannen, "You Just Don't Understand" where she explains this.
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I usually find myself bending over backwards not to buy into Mars-and-Venus-style explanations of how men differ from women. It may be that I favor one style over the other but I don't want to get stuck in operating like a "typical" man any more than I want to get stuck operating like a typical woman.
I remember reading the Deborah Tannen book several years ago. I can't find my copy right now but
here's a sample of it.
I doubt that the do-something-about-it approach and the just-vent approach are anywhere close to being our only options. I think both (all) have their upsides and their downsides and what I like best is being able to choose from among them. I manage that better on some occasions that on others.
If I'm in a situation -- take a work-related one as an example -- where I'm not satisfied but don't feel I can do anything about it, I'll want to vent (at least to myself! lol) but I'll also keep looking for ways to resolve the problem -- to make a difference and/or to get out. Occasionally, though, after considering my options, I'll choose to stay in the situation, work on dealing with it more gracefully, and see what I learn from the process. That's often been enough to turn a "bad" situation into quite a valuable one for me.
In situations where there is no solution -- someone's died or left and isn't coming back, or I'll have to live on what's in the refrigerator until I can go grocery shopping -- I'll usually concentrate on making the best of whatever I have left to work with. I'll most likely wait to "vent" until I've had time to make a halfway decent story out of it. If I do complain to someone in that situation, I'd rather they "just get it" than cheerlead me to get over it or make the best of it -- which, after all, I'm already doing as far as I'm willing.
If I'm miserable, apparently stuck in a situation, and finding no opportunities in it that I can make use of, it's going to be pretty difficult to say anything to me that I won't shrug off or resent for the moment. I'd expect "We're all so sorry you're depressed!" not to do much for me, since I probably won't be up to appreciating it much. Advising me to snap out of it and pull myself up by my own bootstraps will only make the adviser my most immediate problem; after dispatching them I'll want to resume brooding. What I prefer to do (to the extent that I can) with someone else in that situation is to join them for a while if they'll let me, invite them to explore their situation with me, and see if I can invite them up to some viewpoint where they can see their options a little more clearly
and become aware of some of the choices they're making. I'm not all that good at it. I gather it's something that therapists (
some therapists?) are trained to do.