I usually see T twice a week. This has created a financial burden but I don't know that I can hold onto the relationship if there is a larger space between our visits. This makes me feel somewhat defective. But I am committed to healing so I continue to suffer the financial consequence and trudge to his office twice a week. Since one of my days is Thursday, this past week I only saw him on Monday because of Thanksgiving. By Thursday I thought to myself: wow I can do this...no big deal. By Friday I thought--HEY I CAN GO TO ONCE A WEEK!

Today I found myself thinking about the attachment and how I will always be more attached to him than he is to me. I pictured me quitting and telling him this as the reason why. The fantasy played out in my mind's eye until I realized that I was making T into my mom. I was re-creating the relationship I had with her--always yearning for her attention--never getting it. But the recreation requires effort, no? I could have called T to make contact but I didn't allow it. NOW I understand what T means when he says that I put myself in certain places. I was so happy when I left him last Monday, so so happy that I could hold onto his presence inside of me and not feel lonely or scared on the ride home. I just wish I could make it last.

I do think the trigger was the holiday celebration; seeing the pain of our childhood on my sibs faces is too much sometimes. I wish they were more peaceful.

Take gentle care all.