Oh gosh, I am so sad I just want to cry and cry.

Two weekends ago, I had something really triggery happen, and I could NOT reach T. I e-mailed him, and I called and actually asked for him to call me back (something I have almost never done on a weekend) and he didn't e-mail or call. I finally e-mailed him on Sunday night of that weekend and said "you could just say 'i am crazy busy, so i can't call' instead of not responding at all" and he did respond and say just that. It was okay, at the time. I know he has his own life and he was busy. He doesn't have any restrictions about weekend contact, so it wasn't that he doesn't return calls on the weekend. He was just busy that weekend.

Then I saw him for session Monday night. He had the rest of the week off,so it was my only session of the week. When we went to schedule my sessions for this week, he had scheduled someone in one of my time slots (I see him twice a week), so I don't see him until Thursday of this week. I see him EVERY Tuesday and EVERY Thursday, and he didn't schedule me for Tuesday I KNOW it was a mistake and I KNOW he felt bad, but still. And the thing is, the previous week I had asked him if we could schedule the next couple of weeks and he was like "don't worry about it, we'll do it next week" and I made him PROMISE that if he scheduled someone in one of my slots, he would cancel that person and put me in instead. And he promised. And then he scheduled someone in one of my slots! I didn't even bring up the promise, because I didn't know if he would stick to it, and that would hurt, AND because I would feel guilty bumping someone else who was already scheduled if he did keep his promise.

He said we could talk on the phone Monday or Tuesday on his way home from work since I'm not having my session, but it's not the same. We just don't do that well on the phone.

On the one hand, I have evidence (I think) that he cares about me. He gave me a little stone animal from his desk that I'm really attached to...without me asking. Just asked me if I wanted to take it home with me to hold on to. I'm sure there are other things too that show that he cares.

But it doesn't FEEL like he cares. My feelings are really hurt right now. I feel really sad. He said that it was extra bad that he forgot to schedule my session right on the coattails of the weekend when I really needed help and he never called me back. And it was extra bad. And it IS extra bad.

I need to believe that T cares about me, even if it's just a story I'm making up. But it's really hard for me to believe the story right now. I don't want to be back in a rupture, we're doing such good work right now. But my feelings are hurt, and I'm having a hard time making myself pretend that he cares.

I'm just really sad