so, I still want to go back & reply to the last few posts above but I want to post this first, because it just occurred to me as I was reading over this thread & thinking about some of the things people have said, including myself. What I realized is, again, regarding shame. And how a part of me feels like I deserve this, this misery, the re-experiencing of the emotions & the pain, all of it. The aloneness. The abandonment & rejection I'm experiencing from T. That part of me feels I deserve this all just as I deserved what happened in the first place, for being there, for letting it happen, for not fighting hard enough or long enough or in the right ways.
Anyway. I've never realized I felt that way before. I have my session w/T tomorrow and I hope I am brave enough to share that with her. I had something of a rupture with her today on the phone so I don't know what I'll be walking into tomorrow & that just freaks me out more.
thank you all for you thoughts & words & hugs