Oh, Tree ((((((()))))))

I had a feeling that this was going to make you real sad after this weekend when you came home. I remember when you said he gave your slot away. That is an awful feeling. I love what KT had to say
T loves you, he really loves you, Tree. He messed up, I know he feels badly about it and he acknowedges what awful timing on the coattails of a long weekend, and then he was too busy to call you back. Sigh...this does suck. You know, there are times when I have ****ed up royall with my kids, I forgot something important or didnt do what I had promised, and I felt awful. I was hard for me to even face myself I felt so badly and wished I had done things differently. But I love and adore my children and whichever child I had slighted. It was a hugh mistake on my part, I was probably overwhelmed and not thinking as I would if I didnt have so many things on my mind at once.

Tree, I imagine T knows and wishes he had done things differently with you around these couple of screw ups. You and he are so very, very close. You can tell him exactly how it all made you feel.

I dont know if you want to do it this way, but if you can get some of it out on the phone, it might save you from a major rupture (being as you dont have to wait as long to tell him and sit with all of these sad feelings) and then you will have most of it out in the open by the time you actually have your session on thursday so you may be able to focus on other things. Unless, of course, the feelings this all brings up for you leads you into the deeper places. Which is what happens with me.

Either way, my dear friend, these sad feelings are a window into which T can see and help you.

In the past, when this kind of thing has happened to me- my spot given away, a therapist not calling back, a long time between appts, wishinig I could tell T to cancel the other patient, it leads me into that unworthy and why should anyone care about me place. I am worthless and now even the person who is supposed to love me sees it. It brings up all of the ancient sadness and feelings of hate toward myself and that is when I feel like taking a million pills and never waking up, too. And it is such a stretch to NOT see them as someone who hates me and sees my unworthiness. That they screwed up, yet they love me. If someone who I depend on and loves me can screw up and be human....then I really AM on my own here.....and in the end, we really only have our own lives and ourselves to depend on as adults, dont we? Although it is scary,scary, scary, it is the peace we have to give ourselves. And all we can do is pray for that peace

I love you, dear Tree. Please have a peaceful evening.