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I have been debating over whether or not to post this for a couple of days now but am hopeful someone may have a bit of advice or wisdom they could send my way.
I am diagnosed with schizophrenia and hear voices that others cannot. I saw my doc a few days ago and he said at my next session he would like me to talk to the voices in front of him if I thought I was comfortable enough to do so. He said it may help him better understand the exchange I have with them.
I have never had a doc ask me to do that. They’ve asked things like, “When the voices speak what do they say…” But that was as deep as it had ever gone. I’m wondering if this is a fairly normal request as I don’t quite know what to think of it. I’m sort of bordering on a good deal of discomfort with it. I know people have watched me talk to them before but in those cases I was in hospital or having a bit of a meltdown at home and that is not the same.
Also when I talk to them my mannerisms and dialect change. So much so that this led to a diagnosis of DID at one time. This particular doctor so far has only had brief indications of such a change. I suppose I sort of feel as if I’m being asked to “perform on cue” though I don’t actually flip a switch to do it. It just sort of happens when I’m in the space of talking to them. There is a specific part of me that interacts with them, a mask that I wear, and it comes out automatically.
In a way it does make some sense to me. After all, he cannot begin to understand my relationship to the voices if he cannot hear the exchange. I still find it creepy and am uncomfortable with it nonetheless.
So I suppose I have two issues with this. The first being my discomfort with talking to voices in front of him and finding that request unsettling and the other sharing that alternate side of myself with him.
On the one hand this is an issue of a human being and is important as such. On the other hand I cannot help my desire to go “Christ” or “prophet” a bit and know there are far greater things than this…and this therapy.
“…for the former things are passed away.” Revelation 21:4
This is the space I am in. I am…here.
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