((((((((everyone)))))))))

Byzantine and lonegael, it has been suggested to me by my doctor and my counsellor that I take some time off from school, but I honestly believe that would be even worse for me. I discussed this with my counsellor just last week, actually, and I'm simply not someone who is capable of resting. Summer breaks are excruciating for me, because I have this horrible sense that I'm stagnating, especially because my school year starts later than in Canada, so when all my friends are back in school and I'm still sitting at home, those couple of weeks are pure torture. It wouldn't really matter where I get my undergraduate degree or what subject it's in, because it's the graduate degree I'm actually aiming for, so no matter what I do, I have to put in the time in undergrad either way. Taking time off just delays things even more. The thought of going home this summer is already making me queasy -- I'm incredibly overworked and I need a good rest, but after about a week of resting I get really, really restless. I need to feel like I'm working towards a purpose. When I'm purposeless, it's an invitation for the depression to come back with a vengeance -- I had to get my medication upped by 50% over the summer just to cope.

Maybe I'm just used to working. I've been working towards something my entire life. Get through primary school, then middle school, then high school. Get into a good university. Get into a good grad school. Publish some writing, get a teaching job ... As soon as I've completed one step, I need to be on my way to the next or I go crazy. I don't even think it's ambition-based, it's just that I go stir crazy if I'm not working towards something. I'm an incredibly cerebral person, so I'm constantly thinking and looking for new things to learn, and if I can't keep my mind actively engaged it turns on me. All this work makes my life SO stressful but in a sick way, every book I read or essay I write gets me one step closer to graduation, to grad school, to the job and the life I've been striving for.

I really don't care about my subject that much. If I'd been smart, I would have gone into English, but I didn't realize that until halfway through my degree when it was too late to go back and start over. I decided to do French mostly because I'm Canadian, and when I started university I thought I wanted to work for the government or go into translation, although I've since learned that I absolutely HATE translations. So now I'm in French lit. I've been taking literature courses in one form or another since I was 15, and after a while it all becomes very formulaic, and the themes and characters you encounter are all so similar, and everything is very predictable. It all feels like a lot of grunt work because the passion has pretty much disappeared. I'd rather be writing stories than writing ABOUT them, and I do as much of that on the side as I can because my writing is the only thing that gives my life meaning. I want to get my Master of Fine Arts in creative writing, but to do that, I need to finish my undergrad. I need to push through, and putting it off would only make me more miserable because it would mean getting even further away from the program of my dreams.

Today was graduation day and there were a ton of students walking around campus in graduation robes. It made me feel sick and excited at the same time. I just want to get this degree over with so I can get to the one I really want!!!!!