I am missing my course on the history of French intellectuals. I have missed a LOT of those classes, mostly for very stupid reasons like forgetting to go, depression, and the way my schedule works out so that the particularly bad depression days (Thursdays are usually pretty bad, for some reason) mean I don't get there. The prof knows I have health problems and she knows I'm doing my best to keep up on the readings, but I HATE not being there, I hate that she NOTICES when I'm not there. I don't like being noticed, most of the time. I don't like that she knows my name and knows who I am and knows that I'm nowhere near as dependable or engaged as any of the other students. She's already giving me a LOT of leeway because the practice here is that once a student misses three classes, the department doesn't have to let them take the exam (which basically means you fail). She's asked me to get more involved in class debates when I can, and I felt so AWFUL. She's really nice and I honestly believe she's just concerned about me, but all it does is remind me what a terrible student I've been and how everybody else in the class has probably noticed how rarely I show up. I know I shouldn't care what everybody else thinks, but it still nags at me. Now whenever I see that prof, I feel so guilty because I'm afraid she thinks I'm not taking her course seriously, or worse, that she might think I'm struggling and pity me. I don't like to be singled out; I don't like to be different. I don't know why, I just prefer to be faceless and nameless and totally invisible.

I've really dropped the ball this semester. I don't know what's happened. I'm just dragging myself from one day to the next. The kicker is that I'm missing my intellectuals course to finish up an essay for a different course that's due this afternoon. This is all due to my inability to plan ahead and my being too tired last night to force myself through the last 1000 words of my essay. I can't concentrate on anything anymore. I have 300 words to go but I can't get my brain back in essay mode, especially not FRENCH essay mode. Trying to think in French isn't happening for me for some reason. Every time I look at the page my mind just flies away without me. AAAAGH!