Sorry I haven't been around much, all - I took a little break from PC, and also had crappy Internet access, while away for Thanksgiving. It felt good to relax and regroup with friends. My session yesterday was a bit painful, though - T and I went over again issues related to our latest misunderstanding. T said all the right things, but I found my mind drifting as she talked, almost like I was protecting myself by not fully listening in case T once again said something that would hurt me. During the session, I just didn't feel connected to T - I hated that. I remember even looking at T and thinking that she looked different, not as friendly and open.

T and I talked about my inner children - I told T that I haven't tried to write a letter from them to her. T said maybe that's because I didn't want to write her a letter. I told T that it was adult me who was angry with her, not little me. T wondered why little me wouldn't also be mad at T, I didn't understand - T explained that she thought little me might be mad at T for what T did to adult me. Hmmm...

It was strange - even though I felt disconnected from T, I found myself telling T a lot! I had a dream last week that I came into my session, and T was sitting on the couch and asked me, "Is this okay?", and I said, "Yeah!" That was it, no more to the dream than that. So I told T that, and then I told T how when I had read T the letters from my little ones, that they had wanted me to ask T to sit on the couch next to me, but I hadn't been comfortable with that. T didn't say whether or not she would've done it, and I didn't ask - now I wish that I had! T also wondered why it seems easier for me to write her from my little ones' perspective and not from an adult perspective. I'd never thought of writing T a letter from adult me!

So then I just went for it, I told T that sometimes I fantasize that she's sitting next to me and holding me while I cry. T was so good about it, she asked what I got from that fantasy - I said a tremendous sense of comfort, but it's also scary, to be that vulnerable - T wanted to know more about what was scary, I said I was afraid that just as I let it all out and allowed myself to feel safe in T's arms, that T would pull away and tell me that was enough, and I'd have to suck up all that pain, like I have my entire life. So the end of the session was rather intense. And I told T that I was panicking a bit that I had so few sessions left before seeing my family at Christmas, so T offered me an opening late Wednesday afternoon this week, since this is one of my one-session weeks.

So I journaled last night after my session, and nothing really came of it. But then I did my morning pages today, and WOW! It took a bit before my little ones felt safe enough, but then I just let go, and they wrote a letter to T, and it turns out they're very angry and upset with adult me for holding them back in being close to T! This realization upset me greatly, and I suddenly had all these words come to me that I wanted to tell T, but I didn't want to wait until my session tomorrow. So I wrote T a letter from adult me - it was full of apologies, self-hate, and why I felt I needed to distance myself from T after our misunderstanding. Both letters are full of so much pain, I was crying so hard that I was almost late for work - I had to put a cold compress on my eyes to get the puffiness down. I'm so glad that I see T again tomorrow, but it's going to be so painful and hard to read T those letters. I hope I can do it.