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Wow! What a good job -- in that you had something you needed to say to t and then “just went for it.” It takes SO much courage to speak your true feelings like that, especially when you don’t know what the response will be. Even though your session was painful, just the fact that you put things out on the table is a tremendously big step!
In reading your post, it sounds like there were two levels of anger going on for you. On one level, you were aware of some adult anger you were feeling toward your t, likely related to your earlier misunderstanding. And you responded to this anger by pulling away from your t by not “fully listening” or allowing connection. Then, your action of pulling away from your t prompted anger from child parts of you who wanted to feel close to t, but could not because your adult self prevented it.
It sounds like your t picked up on some anger and/or distance on your part, but that she was speculating that it was coming from child parts of you and not from your adult self. You did really well in letting her know that the anger was coming from your adult side, and then reinforcing it by telling her that child parts had wanted her to sit on the couch next to them but that you had not “been comfortable with that.” Later, your t noted that it seemed easier for you to write to her from your little ones' perspective and not from an adult perspective. This seems to fit in with the idea that your child parts are open to communicating and connecting, but there is perhaps some hesitancy on the adult’s part to allow this. In telling her about your fantasy of being held, you mention your fear of being rejected or pushed away. Is this the reason for the adult’s hesitancy? Did her response make you any more willing to risk asking for more closeness?
By the time you journaled, it sounds like the picture was all coming together for you, and you had an understanding of what had happened. You (the adult) still felt hurt and angry from the previous misunderstanding, so you had distanced. In doing that, you had also put a barrier between the child parts of you and your t (maybe as a protection). But instead of feeling protected, your child parts felt angry with you for being restricted.
The result was that the adult part of you stopped distancing from t, and instead, opened up and wrote t a letter (something that your t noted earlier was not so easy for you to do). In it, you expressed your true feelings of pain and self-hate.
You accomplished a great deal here. You came to your session with your adult self distancing and walling off your child parts from t. But you ended up with your adult self reaching out to t and sharing some very powerful feelings.
I hope your session goes well today.
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