For me, I can see that things developed in my childhood. My immediate and extended family members were very unhealthy. My goal in life, at that time, was to be simply accepted and loved by family. I always had a very hard time making friends...probably due to my desperation and paranoia of being left alone (or hurt in some way). Therefore, I took anyone I could get as friends ~ hoping that they would then be nice to me. People treated me like crap, because I felt like crap. It was as though I had a big target on my forehead or something!

We'd move on to another town, a year later, only to repeat that cycle. Over and over, throughout my entire childhood. As soon as I could, I began avoiding school at all costs ~ skipping a week in 3rd grade was merely a beginning of worsening. I soon mastered forging notes dismissing me from school, and used my unusually low body temperature as a frequent release from school.

Despite my desperation to make new friends, hard work, acceptance of others, I was always an outcast. Heck, I'm still an outcast! I've always wanted to avoid that intense pain & loneliness that follows me. What I've learned is I had a lot of stuff going on throughout my life. Most of it is not my fault. I was young and innocent. I was used and hurt deeply by others, in critical periods of development. Due to my crazy family mistrust and lack of support, I never gained strength and self-like. Never developed self-worth; due to abuse, mixed messages, and being ignored. My rearview mirror is filled with traumas ~ and I have to remind myself verbally that it was not my fault. I did not, and do not, deserve this pain! That said, it is here, and I am working on the huge task of acceptance. I'm not even close to that phase, but that is what I need to do in order to become a happier & healthier person.

Hope that my explanation helps you understand where I'm coming from. Best wishes to you, really!

Shez