((((((Justfloating))))) You gonna give yourself a break one of these centuries? My word, girl, how you beat yourself up over something that is only marginally in your control! My therapist used to say that I had the worst self talk she had ever heard, but I think you would help her revise that estimate.
Hon, just write whatever when it comes to the essay, and take away what doesn't belong there after you have written enough. Don't get yourself wrapped up in a panic when you block or the right formulation doesn't come. Just get yourself writing somehow, if all that comes at first is Mother Goose or the Jaberwocky or whatever. You can always edit. try making "Good eneough for government work" your motto when you feel this way. It might make things easier to handle if you can ease up on your own demands a bit. Hang in there, hon, and I really hope that your Pdoc can help you. HUUGGGGGGGGSSSSS!!!!