Here's a better explanation of what I am thinking:

I guess I want to find out if the voices are a spiritual calling of some sort. I don't necessarily want to pathologize the voices. I want to open my spirituality and allow them to come through.

There isn't enough available language for me to describe what I want, so I am doing the best I can.

I also read about Animal Totems today and the ones that I suspect are mine amazingly describe who I am, what I aspire to and what I want out of life. I have more reading to do. I have a copy of Animal Speak somewhere in my house. My shadow, the wasp, represents all the things in my life that have been pathologized, and it is the animal I fear most in the world.

I am wondering if bipolar is really a disease or if it is an opening to spirituality. I am wondering if my depressions have been a result of my blocking my spirituality from my life to appear normal in a rather non-spiritual, fearful world. I wonder if I am medicating the potential for learning and slef growth out fo my life, or if I can work with the medicine as a way to control my emotions while I study what else is out there in terms of reality.

I am wondering if bipolar results as a disease when we let it become us. If we are able to let go and realize that it is a part of us that we can't control, provide safety (medication) to experience it, without trying to make it go away I wonder if we can heal from it and live strong, meaningful lives because of it rather than in spite of it.

This idea has left me shaking. I am not going to try too hard for the voices. I am going to unblock myself so that they can come through. I have so much personal work to do and I think I may be on a path that resonates more within my soul than the one that I wan on whith pathologized every thought and every feeling. It's time for me to embrace bipolar and celebrate it as a gift and as a power.

I should stop before I get out of control. I apologize if I am beong triggering. I feel as if I never have to be depressed again!