mixed_up, I haven't felt that way, but just wanted to offer some hugs. It sounds really difficult.

Maybe you can have some sessions where you don't put yourself in a deeply vulnerable position. Not every session has to be that way. Some sessions can be "resting" sessions, where you gather strength to do the deep and painful stuff the next time, or the time after that. Sometimes it can be helpful to go to therapy and do largely supportive work and build the therapy relationship. That makes it easier to dive into the hard stuff the next time. Do you ever do supportive sessions?

Take care.