I made a huge mistake yesterday!
After seeing Mark I decided to take the day off and get quotes for the new shower screen (need it replaced before I rent the house out). Long story short - he had a friend stay over and when I went up to the house I hit the roof..... It's a girl from work, she's always fighting with her BF and Mark has been friends with her for sometime... She needed somewhere to unwind and he said well come up here blah bah...
I accused him of having a relationship with her and that it was the true reason we broke up etc...
We fought on the phone on and off for hours. I was a complete mess and a totally maniac.
I believe him when he says that they are not involved - I do know him well enough to know when he's lying but I just can't get it out of my head. He said that he finds it easy to be around her because she doesn't really know me, where as all his other mates know me well and like me lots.

I'm still looking for reasons I guess - it's true there really isn't a reason and if there was now that we argue (never done that before!) if there was a reason then it would have come out by now in anger.

I went to the shrink appt. in the afternoon and I just cried the whole time. I don't think I had really cried enough before - always in the hope that we would get back together I guess.
John (the shrink) says that I need to cut all contact with Mark. This makes me soooooo sad but I do see the point to it. If I really want friendship then I have to have space to stop hoping for the impossible.

I finally asked Mark what he had learnt since all of this happened. He said he learnt that he shouldn't be in a relationship EVER because if he could do this to me when he did love me and ruin my life he never wants to do it again. That actually makes me even sader.

I txt mark telling him last night that I couldn't have any contact with him anymore....He rang me and we talked for about 30 minutes. I cried the entire time, I didn't bother to stay composed or any of the other things that I had been doing, I just let it all out.
He doesn't want to cut contact with me - that makes him sad too - I just don't know how I can do it to be honest. Am so sad, scared and lonely right now. I expressed all my fears, that after I'm emotionally more stable what if he just doesn't want to be my friend etc.
He said no matter when (time wise) I'm ready to speak with him he WILL always answer the phone and want to see me. He wants friendship more than anything else in the world right now.
He expressed sadness at the thought of not being able to check that I'm doing okay etc...

I know that this is the right thing, that I need to get back on track emotionally and stop hoping for things to change over night. One day at a time is the only way to approach it. I managed 3 days last week of not having contact with him - and I felt strong. But it seemed more of my choice back then. Now that I have told him too it feels so much like the END.
I suppose there has to be an END before we can START a friendship.

I just love him so much and I can't believe that it has all turned out this way.

I can't cope right now. I don't want to go on anti-depressants really but it's looking like a choice that I may have to look into, the doc had asked me when I saw him last but I wanted to be able to do this on my own.... Now I just feel like curling up in a corner and crying so hard...

Rational side says to let it all out but am at work and have a job to do so can't. May have a good cry when I get home... Hopefully it will help.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get it off my chest. Mum is away atm and my friends are sick to death of Mark talk....

Next shrink appt. not until the 16th - so far away