ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I ALWAYS do this

I havent been here much over the last few months- partly because I barely have the energy to face the day, t has been up and down, and I have been overwhelmed and just not known what to do.

So, anyway I just saw t tonight. I am feeling something for him that is quite unknown to me. I dont know how to describe it, but it makes me feel that because our relationship is not "real" I simply cannot continue t. I told him this but he didnt seem to get it. my feelings for him are so strong that to think I can only see him at a certain time each week is sooooo painful. so I thought the only way to stop feeling like this is to quit. But I dont want to., I want to resolve things. But I am so unclear about what I want, what I don’t want etc that we couldn’t come to any conclusions. I just couldn’t answer his questions tonight. I feel like I don’t know why I am t at the moment- I know things aren’t right, but nothing specific. I wanted him to tell me what he thinks is wrong me (i.e. a diagnosis) but he wouldn’t answer. I totally dissociated through the whole session, and he kept having to bring me back to the room. It was a nightmare. This does usually happen but not so severe as today.

I mentioned to t a while ago that I wanted to work on our relationship in order to help me in "real" relationships. This is something he doesn’t usually do, but he said he was willing to do that, but now I feel like I am working on a relationship that is guaranteed to end, and im not testing things out in other relationships because the only relationship I want is one with him. he is all the things I want in someone (I know I am only seeing the t side of him, and not his real self) and that is too seductive for me. I want him at the end of this, not anyone else. is this transference or something else?

sometimes I just want to talk to t or listen to him, so that I don’t feel so alone. if I don’t have t then I literally have nothing to live for. I have completely isolated myself am I going to t for the wrong reason?

then i was thinking that one of the people i work with is just about to start t and she is so full of hope. it brings back the memories i had at the beginning of t when i knew EXACTLY what i was going for. we worked through that then all this other confusion came up. i felt jealous of this person. is this normal?

IDK, I was full of hope that I would take all this confusion to t and he would help me unravel it, but now I feel even worse now than I did before.

sorry this is so rambling, im trying to get things clearer in my mind. maybe is should just give up all together and work things out on my own