Wow, Blue. It's amazing to me that you bring this up, today, because I was just discussing the idea and fact of self-hate with my best friend this morning (if one can "discuss" something via text, I think yes! lol!).
I was talking to her about some of the changes I've made, the deep, inner changes, that have led me down a path of choosing life & light instead of self-destruction which is the path I was on for a long time. Part of that, for me, was having to choose to live for ME, not living for my kids. I'll stay alive, now, because my kids need me, but I have to LIVE for ME.
But the dirty, icky underbelly of that is self-hate. Because I *want* to put my kids first. I don't WANT to be selfish. I don't want to live so much in my head that I can't be around other people. I have chosen to live, but it's living everyday, every moment, in the awareness of being someone and something I cannot stand, someone wholly unlovable, someone abandoned by everyone who ever got the chance.
Ok, wow. I certainly didn't answer any of your questions there, but those thoughts were in the forefront of my mind already.
I wish I thought I could share them with T. I wonder, how will you bring it up, blue? I just do not even know how to begin to mention it... (if you don't mind answering, of course! )